If There Is A Miracle

I wonder. Am I making a bad move for not forwarding but deleted all those cursed messages that had been sent to me? Am I making a bad move of ignoring the curse that stated so clearly that will strikes back badly one day on me, or the person around me?

Here I pen down my prayer to god, which is the 1st time. I ask for a miracle or two, maybe three, I need them by now at one shot. Call me greedy, call me short-sighted.

My portrayed dream. I was an artist, painting his own picture at a cliff, drawing the sea with sparks and sky with puffy white clouds. It is a wonderful evening, the sun is going to dived in the ocean, the gloomy yellowish sky and the breeze are stroking hopes into my body and make me feel so alive, while my love one are sitting beside me reading a book. We staying in the city, having my own car, my own house and with some debts to pay back the bank. Living my day as an artist, drawing my happiness and life on a piece of white paper, sharing my day with loves one, surrounded by friends and family. Last but not least, I am studying marketing by now.

I'm 20 years old by now, I wonder should I address myself a kid, or an adult? I am in between, I think. This is the ever 1st time I felt so useless in my life, I can't make a decision for myself.

I seriously doubt about myself, wonder should I move on or should I cling with what I'm by now? Mom said that she is so disappointed with me, as she know that I'm not sure whether I'm going to KL or not to further my study, as my cousin already in there preparing for her study. Once again I'm being compared, and make her ashamed. Due to my resit papers, I need to wait until the graduate list is out then only I will know whether am I entitled to be enroll in KL campus or not. Blame me on my laziness, blame on those poor time management of mine, but not the passion I had with me on those activities that I participated.

There are times that I enjoyed my life and seeing great person, working with them, sharing the laughter and memory in life.

Tomorrow , Mom will go to hospital to have her MRI scan and to confirm the tumor inside her body. She called up and ask me go home earlier to discuss with her about my studies and others.

I don't have a clear mind by now, where should I go? What is coming up next? What else I need to gave up?

I think I need to make an option for my own.