Who I Am ? or Who I Am Suppose To Be?

Recently or be accurate this few days... My mood fluctuate like a lady with blood dripping out from somewhere ( let's not talk about discrimination, don't get me wrong! I found it amazing!)...

There are some very serious question been bugging me, trying to make my life not that enjoyable, not that interesting... urgh~ this is definitely not something interesting to talk about! TO BE WHO I AM ? OR WHO I AM SUPPOSE TO BE?

You can ask me to define who Hory is, I can tell you perfect answer.. but does the answer presenting the same way as who I am? I can only telling my very own perspective of who I am or who I wanted you to be impress with, hence I am very confuse... indeed very blur about it.

To be who I am?
Am I silence? Am I talkative? some find me silence, scary, proud and moody... some find me annoying, chatter box, funny... What can I tell is, sometime I really cannot find my very own comfort when facing with every individual. Like a stranger, if one's is trying to be close with me, approached me and talk about everything that I least interested or I find it pointless, I might be the one who show a very unpleasant face, and people take me as someone who is very hard to get near with.. Same things applied to my best friend that know me, they will find me even more ridiculous that what they are telling.. concluded, I am double faced?

To be who I am suppose to be?
You should smile more! You should be more easy going! should I be ? Lots of people been trying to influence me to be someone better in their eyes, some they succeed some not.. They been try to reform the Hory that they wanted him to be or I should say, sometimes the enviroment are not encouraging me being who I am, but who I suppose to be... I got to smile even I hate, I got to be silence even I got question to ask, I got to leave even I would love to stay....

Uncle and his family is back in the town, mom and aunts they all seems like so bonded and wanted to see uncle so much... is that the real fact I'm seeing? and Why I can't get along with them? The 2 reunion dinner, I dine as if I know non of them, what I know is finish my food, then I can leave the dining table, is not that I hate them, I just find myself suffocating without any reason... I can't speak a single line to my cousins, and they are all good person to mix with... Am I shy? or I'm a piece of arrogant shit?

Friends told me that, those who really know me, will find me funny and easy going ; those they dunno me will seriously take me as a very arrogant piece of shit...

Being who I am , and being who I am suppose to be, is both really hard to me... I felt that I'm a loner and I don't really understand who I am.. I'm sorry, I'm still learning...

P/s : this post is boring.. sigh~

This time, I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life, the one we all dream of
But dreams just aren’t enough
So I’ll be waiting for the real thing,
I’ll know it by the feeling
The moment when we’re meeting,
will play out like a scene
Straight off the silver screen
So I’ll be holding my own breath, right up ’til the end
Until that moment when,
I find the one that I’ll spend forever with
Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There’s gotta be somebody for me like that
Cause nobody wants to do it all on their own
And everyone wants to know they’re not alone
There’s somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There’s gotta be somebody for me out there
Tonight, out on the street, out in the moonlight
And dammit this means too right,
it’s just like deja vu
Me standing here with you
So I’ll be holding my own breath,
could this be the end
Is it that moment when,
You can’t give up, looking for a diamond in the rough
The wind shows up, (make sure you’re holding on)
Cause it could be the one, the one you’re waiting on
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares
There’s gotta be somebody for me, oh
Nobody wants to do it all on their own
Nobody wants to be the last one there